Tuesday, April 14, 2009

My Quarterly Fix

I woke up this morning and sat on my bed ready to read my scriptures. Then I noticed I couldn't read. Isn't that the worst?

I was just coming down with a migraine, which begins with distorted vision (but no pain). I took a couple Ibuprofen and Bret to school*, picked up 32 ounces of Mountain Dew, and went back home. The pain began, but it was quelled with caffeine.

People think I don't drink caffeinated soda because I'm some uppity Mormon. I may be uppity, but I keep my distance from the dark brew mainly to preserve this silver bullet against migraines. If I were a regular drinker, my body would not recognize the elixir as the salve it has been.

In fact, I've heard that caffeine addicts tend to receive migraines more regularly whenever they sober up.

It's also a testimony to me that the Word of Wisdom is inspired. Even though caffeinated soda has proven to be addictive, it was never explicitly forbidden by the Lord, perhaps for reasons such as this. Just like how tobacco can still be used for bruises and all sick cattle.

After contemplating these things, I took a nap (I don't know how I can nap after drinking so much Mountain Dew, but I never have problems). When I awoke about an hour later, I noticed three things:
  1. I needed to visit the restroom.
  2. My stomach was downright hostile with hunger.
  3. My hands wouldn't stop vibrating.
But my head didn't hurt too bad, as long as I didn't shake it too vigorously. It's worth it.

*Is that sentence an acceptable parallel structure?

7 comments:

Jancisco said...

Brilliant use of caffeine. I like to keep it for emergencies, too.

Bus Gillespie said...

I have lots of emergencies. I can easily sleep after a late night sip as well.

Eliza said...

Mountain Dew is one of my guilty pleasures. I try not to drink it too much.

Jenette said...

I too reserved caffeine for emergencies. Then I began grad school... (which now seems flimsy since you too are in grad school! And studying something MUCH harder!) I am here to say that while I don't get migraines, I do have to begin my day with diet coke, or I don't make it.

Clinto Beans said...

That's zeugma, using one word in two different senses. I think that is acceptable if intentional for style. Anyhoo, let me continue reading.

Clinto Beans said...

Last year, I became quite dependent on coffee and coke to keep me going for a painful class I took... I only had small issues when I finally stopped drinking it, and it gave me weird dreams. My friend has been drinking two cups of coffee each day since sixth grade. Now she gets such bad migraines for some reason that she actually gets sick if she doesn't drink it... and she's really short, too. Perfect sign of stunted growth, maybe?

Thaddeus said...

Zeugma, huh? Interesting. I've never heard of that.